NBA star Richard Jefferson's leg tattoo "til death us do part" refers not to his sweetheart, but to basketball, "the most important thing to me," he said a while back. (see Remembering his draft).
Jefferson's decision to call off his wedding to former Nets dancer Kesha Ni'cole Nichols was sudden, but it may also have been the right thing to do. Marriage is not a relationship one enters into lightly, or with misgivings. And Jefferson reportedly had some. Needless to say, the timing could have been much better.
"If you aren't 100% certain about something, you shouldn't do it," Jefferson said in a NY Post story about the cancelled nuptials. According to the Post, Jefferson gave the decision some thought, talking with his now ex-fiancee for two hours after e-mailing her about his misgivings. Among his considerations: already existing tension in the relationship and the prevalence of divorce. This from the Post :
'There was a lot of stress and tension in the relationship. We've been through a lot -- but we just couldn't continue,' said Jefferson, sounding upset during a telephone interview."
E-mail is convenient, but not the kindest way to communicate bad news to anyone, least of all the person with whom you had planned to spend the rest of your life. Putting words down on a screen can help clarify your thoughts, but it doesn't allow for the other person to respond, and e-mails, unless printed in upper case letters, tend to filter out emotions that come through in the voice. There's a difference between reading "I'm sorry," and hearing the catch in the voice, the pause, the pain. The details of the Jefferson-Nichols e-mail and their subsequent conversation are, rightfully, private. Jefferson and Nichols get points, though, for talking together at length after the internet message. How that conversation was phrased could have had a lot to do with the outcome.
A good resource for learning how to communicate with your partner (or anyone) is John Sanford's Between People. "The miracle of relationship is that it can connect people together in a positive, meaningful way who are different and so have a different view about things," Sanford writes (p. 2). "Eros (personal warmth and caring) can bind people together who see things quite differently, but this connection is only possible when communication between them takes place."
Sanford advises thinking of conversation as playing a game of catch. You want your partner to receive what you're sending them, and you want the partner to send something back to you. What you don't want is to get hit in a way that causes pain. Here are three basic tips:
Avoid making sweeping generalizations, such as "you always say...." or statements that just make the other person feel guilty (even if the person has in fact done whatever it is that upsets you.) Sanford suggests talking about how you feel when the person says or does whatever hurts you. "An opening statement that expresses a person's feeling is more likely to receive a positive and helpful response than an opening statement that engenders guilt." (p.8) Guilt builds barriers between people.
"Communication is not a matter of being right, but of starting a flow of energy between two people that can result in mutual understanding. ...It is helpful if we say things so they will be able to receive them." (p.9)
Here's a hypothetical. Suppose the husband is spending money freely while the wife, trying to save, has been going without certain items for some time. The wife explodes one day saying, "You must be crazy, spending all that money while here I am, going without, trying to keep this family afloat!" What can the husband say to that? "I'm sorry, I didn't know" might be truthful, but it's lame. He's indicted, convicted, and has no where to go. But if she says, "Honey, I've been trying to save money by going without things and I feel upset when I see money being spent on [X]." The husband might respond, "I'm sorry, I didn't know," but this time it isn't lame, it's a genuine expression of regret. He didn't mean to make his wife upset. He may well have had no idea his spending affected her in that way. The subject of the conversation then becomes, "how can we handle our spending so no one feels put upon." They are working toward a solution together.
"It is essential for all persons who want to communicate to listen..." (p.11) Take time to really hear what your partner tells you. Many times, we only half-listen to the other person, devoting the other half to thinking about what we should say next. You will have plenty of time to offer your response. Make sure you understand where your partner is coming from first; repeat back what he or she has said. Remember, this is the person who wants to spend a lifetime with you. Take a deep breath, relax in the love you share, and hear what your beloved is saying to you.
One last item (not from the Sanford book): know the difference between venting and discussing. Venting is releasing emotional tension, frustrations. The goal is to feel relief from emotional pressure, not find a solution. Discussing is talking with the goal of reaching a better understanding or developing a strategy for handling a situation. Discussion isn't about the emotions. If you want to vent, you can do that -- but you might want to let your partner know that you're mostly "blowing of steam" beforehand. And don't say something you don't mean. Hurtful words, once said, may be forgiven but are almost never forgotten.
Any breakup is sad, but the Jefferson-Nichols split, one that reportedly had a six figure settlement attached to it (not to mention the two-million dollar price tag for the wedding the Post lists) is particularly lamentable, given the economy. But if it saved two young people from making the mistake of their lives -- perhaps it is worth it. The trappings of the wedding don't make a marriage. The commitment two people are willing to make to each other, and are willing to see through until they are parted by death -- that's the marriage.
May God bless and comfort Richard and Kesha, bring them both hope -- and, when the time is right -- send them both lasting love.
